How often do you think about the questions you ask? Actually now that I think about it, the question I really want to ask is, How often do you ask questions bearing in mind the result you want?
Like I’ve said before questions create our reality, honestly they create the world we live in. What do I mean by this? Most of our actions and interactions are initiated by a question. Let me give you a few examples. When I woke up this morning one of my first questions to myself was do I want to exercise? (the answer is usually no, but I still ask the question) Sometimes I will then ask myself how can I motivate myself to do exercise. I then go on to ask myself a slew of other questions which will subsequently form my day.
An example of how questions initiate our interactions and subsequently create our reality is when parents ask children how their day was? The answer usually is a FINE and maybe an eye roll – not exactly the kind of interaction most parents hope for. Most parents tell me that the ensuing interaction is not very gratifying. Nevertheless parents still continue to ask the same question.
What I’m proposing is to start thinking about the outcomes you want and then formulating your question based on that. Let me give you an example. I know exercise is good for me, I usually feel good after I’ve exercised, so I would like to exercise. I’ve found that instead of asking myself do I want to exercise today, if I ask myself when am I going to exercise today, it is more likely that I will exercise. That small change in the question begets a different outcome. The same with asking your children how their day was. What do you really hope to get from that question? Do you want to bother your children (keep asking the same question), annoy yourself (again keep asking the same questions) or learn more about your children’s lives (“Which class did you find most interesting today?”), forge a closer relationship (“How was that test you studied so hard for last night?”), let them know you are interested in them (“Were you able to talk to Jane about the misunderstanding you had?”)? Bearing in mind the purpose of the question I suggest you change what you ask.
Starting today what can you do differently? Take time to think about what results you want when you ask a question and formulate your question based on that information. Do I want to know…(How was the presentation you gave?), do I want to have a laugh (What was the funniest part of your day?), do I want to know more about my child (Who did you have lunch with?) (Obviously this is all based on knowing your child and what is going on in their life). Remember the more specific and targeted your question the better the answer. The more you do this the easier it will become.
If self-efficacy is defined as a person’s belief in their ability to accomplish the tasks they set out to do and one of the ways to instill a sense of self-efficacy in your child is to give them the opportunity to master as many tasks as possible where does that leave all the helicopter, lawn mower and good intentioned parents out there?
I believe it leaves them standing next to their children instead of taking over for them. Let me explain. Most parents hate to see their children suffer. Whether it be a difficult task, an upsetting encounter or … you name it. The instinct is to say let me help you. But what does help mean? Is help taking over and doing what needs to be done? Or is help standing next to your child and saying, “Ok, let’s try this again” and standing next to your child while they try again and maybe again and maybe again? Remember when your child started to walk and fell down. Did you jump in and tell him to sit down, not to bother to try again or did you offer your hands so they could hold on while they tried it again.
I believe that the best way to teach your child to be self-efficacious and to have great self-esteem is to stand next to your child, to offer them your hands. What I mean by standing next to your child is being there for your child, being a resource, a kind smile, a gentle encouragement, a warm hug, but not robbing your child of their opportunities of mastery by taking over for them when they are struggling. I know most parents take over in good faith, their hearts are in a great place but the result, the message they send their child when they do this is not conducive to self-efficacy. The message they send is, “You can’t do this, I can, it’s not worth trying (no need to persist).” Standing next to your child on the other hand is saying, “I believe in you, I’m here for you and will help you if you need (not take over) and will be here until you achieve what you want and you got this.” Keep going, keep trying, it’s worth it, you can do it, I’ll be here next to you. That’s the difference between standing next to your child and taking over.
Starting today, when your child struggles, where will you choose to stand?